Near/N/L/Nate River (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blankpieces) wrote2020-02-01 10:50 am
blankpieces) wrote2020-02-01 10:50 am
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ic inbox (aefenglom)
[Near's username is "dagwood" to go along with his alias. All personal messages can be left here. Action threads are also fine.]
no subject
On a very technical and basic level... yes, they do help you. Whether it's worth it would depend on how much you feel it's the case. If you're on the verge of madness as a Witch, or going feral as a monster, I'd say it's worth it, but those are extreme circumstances pushed to a desperate limit. I feel you're wondering about the benefits of a Bond on a more constant and mundane level.
[That's the space they're occupying now, after all. Two young men, in a workshop for toys with wood shavings scattered around their feet, mourning someone they both knew in a very roundabout and detached way.]
My first Bond approached me. It was a machine, very literally... a supercomputer consumed in pill form where it came from. Here, it was a Witch and had a human body, and our arrangement was mutually beneficial for awhile. We lived together, worked in the same place.
[Slept together, though Near probably doesn't need to hear those details.]
It existed to help a user achieve their goals, so the arrangement really seemed ideal. I was driven and motivated for a time, and it was enforced.
[Much like having a handler.]
Mello was another Witch, and that alone probably should have precluded a Bond between us. I should have said no.
[He did say no. Many times, to many things, but Mello had persisted and pressed and worn him down until it set something of a precedent. That, too, doesn't need to be heard by Near, even if it's likely that much of it can likely be concluded by Near just based on L's tone, the look in his eyes, the way his posture curls and closes.]
Myr came to me shortly after that point. I was mad, or close to it. My feet didn't even touch the ground every other step; the stars felt close.
[And he still remembers what that was like, to be so tempted and dazzled by the prospect of oblivion. He shivers, pulling his jacket a little tighter around his thin shoulders.]
Of all my Bonds, I think... Myr has helped the most, and Myr has been the most worth it. He saw something beyond what I was before coming here, or what I could do for him, and he believes that I can be better than I am.
[In a way that has nothing to do with test scores or cases solved, but everything to do with simple humanity. L doesn't look directly at Near, because maybe his successor would find that notion hilarious. But Myr doesn't, after everything, and so.]
If you find someone who wants that for you... try to Bond, and try not to prove them wrong even if you really want to. Being right isn't always winning, here.
no subject
As L talks, the naga runs a scaled hand through his hair. It stops, gripping lightly at the roots. It does little to comfort him, but he leaves it there for now. His former mentor speaks of these things with too much ease. It makes him feel like a child again, except that back then L's lectures came by way of an empty screen and a modified voice.
And it never would have directed this much actual concern at him.]
And every time it will change you.
[Even if he believes that right now this is only temporary, there is always going to be some lasting debris left over from his bond with Mello. These people L has opened himself up to have altered him irrevocably, to the point where Near doesn't believe he ever had the opportunity to meet the man he was supposed to be following in the footsteps of all those years.
Maybe he should feel relief at that. Maybe he should be considering this person to be someone else entirely.
It will make the ridiculous things he's saying easier to take.]
You got lucky. Don't be idealistic. Thinking that anyone would want that for me is giving me too much credit.
no subject
There's only one way to remain unchanged, and I'm not advocating that kind of record freeze for either of us. Would you prefer it to growth?
[He shakes his head, rejecting the premise.]
Sort this out, because you contradict yourself on a fundamental level. You're open to other perspectives, or you wouldn't have Bonded with Mello. You're open to growth and improvement, or you wouldn't profess to think so little of yourself.
no subject
[Near says this sharply after a pause, finally removing the hand from his hair so that he can get to his feet. He's had enough of being preached to.]
I appreciate you coming over but you can go now.
[It isn't a lie to say that he appreciated it, nor will he completely ignore everything L has suggested. But he can only stand to look at the man for so long, especially when it feels as though he's being chastised.
That's the only thing anyone at the orphanage ever got onto him for - not being able to make friends. And even then it wasn't important enough to warrant more than a couple words on the matter.]
no subject
If that's truly what you want.
[Maybe it isn't, but if that's the case, Near will be left to reflect on the way he won, in the sense that L did what he was told, but was left alone with his abused likeness of Mello as a result, just as friendless as before. Not really a net gain, in the end. He moves toward the door, glancing back with his fingers wrapped around the handle.]
It doesn't need to be from me, by any means... but should you find yourself actually requiring help, ask for it. For your own sake, if no one else's.
no subject
Asking for help in the past hadn't been difficult. He had money behind him, a name, a reputation. If he requested a certain type of individual to work under him he could get it easily. But he has no influence here. No one will fall in line under a toymaker.
Hell, he can barely find enough employees.]
Right.
[When he finds out how to have normal human relationships maybe he'll let you know.]