blankpieces | ic inbox (aefenglom)

I'm aware of that.

[There's a certain level of annoyance to the words that isn't really like Near. He bends down to finish sweeping the shavings into a dust pan, the contents of which are then dumped into a small nearby bin. The broom is set against the wall.

Once finished, Near promptly sits down on the floor, legs crossed. Never mind any chairs, this is where he's most comfortable. He'd be looking up at L regardless. His tongue darts in and out of his mouth in an irritated fashion. He is decisively angry with the world, and it's entirely Mello's fault.

And his, for wanting to form the bond in the first place.]

Did you want to commiserate?

[Annoyance, L can deal with. It's to be expected, under the circumstances. He remains standing for a few more moments, though his posture is so wilted that it scarcely counts. Eventually, he sinks to a crouch so that he can approach the conversation a bit closer to Near's eye level, if either of them deign to hold contact for very long.]

I'm not very good at it, but... yes. I suppose that's what I want. There aren't very many occasions where you can be absolutely certain that what you're feeling is shared by another, and... this is one of them. Down to the Bonded we shared.

[A pause.]

It's OK to be angry, even if it isn't at anyone in particular.

We don't share the same feelings.

[He snaps the words, but shifts into a more comfortable seated position, pulling one leg up closer to his chest.

Deep emotions are for other people. Never had Near ever experienced anything that pulled at the very core of his being the way Mello's emotions did. It had shaken him since their bonding, and now it feels like they're being torn away. Maybe he's just trying to cling to them, even though they've always been so unnecessary.

He takes a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. The last thing he needs to be doing is acting petulant in front of L.] Sorry.

[L doesn't react outwardly to Near's snappish response, other than just a solitary slow and deliberate blink. His own Bond with Myr has improved his patience and his empathy considerably; though he's not on par with an individual who genuinely embodies those qualities, he's further from the isolated and selfish place he started, and Mello's disappearance has tempered and softened his inclinations even more. He brushes off the apologies with scarcely an acknowledgment, conceding himself.]

No... you're right. We don't; even the experience, while it shares commonalities, isn't identical.

[...but. It shares commonalities. And in its wake, an aching desire to connect that L knows he's not alone in.]

Grieving is like that.

[Near wants to argue that he isn't grieving. But then, maybe L is right. Maybe that's exactly what this is. At some point he'd started twirling a finger in his hair, and the familiar gesture is comforting.

He looks down at his other hand, at the scales covering the majority of it.]

He's not alive, you know. In the time I come from. I didn't tell him.

[No lies. Mello had been very explicit. And Near had abided by that - he just hadn't mentioned it. He'd given the other man everything he needed to hear, and nothing more.]

[It would be reasonable to believe that the typical orphan, even one grown, is intimately familiar with the process of grieving and the notion of personal loss. But, of course, none of them were "typical." When, and if such things presented, they were bound to present very differently, in ways that might passingly resemble what they truly were, if they did at all.

L's eyes follow Near's, glancing over the scales, and it's helpful to have something to passively count. It makes the moments grind by with a little less friction.]

I see.

[L doesn't sound surprised by the news; though he hadn't known, there has long been a frost-touched fatalism to the ascension of all of Wammy's best and brightest. They were assumed to have the potential to go far, very far... just not for very long.]

Kira? Or...

[A more violent and personal manner than a mere heart attack? A combination of the two?]

One of his associates. Though it might as well have been.

[It had been regrettable, but he'd never truly felt bad about it. Not the way he does now. At the time he'd put on a show of mourning and had been disappointed that the two of them wouldn't ever be working together again. Mello's actions had made his death seem somewhat inevitable from the beginning. Perhaps he really was that heartless.]

His death was pivotal in solving the case, but he never got to see it happen.

[That's why getting the chance to work with him again had been such a blessing, even if there was something missing from the Mello here that the one in his world had gained through defeat.]

[L nods, raising his sunken, haunted eyes to stare into some middle-distance over Near's shoulder. He's imagining how it might have played out, lacking details, perhaps not truly needing them, given how unfortunately well he knows Mello, now. While he's here, as he said, to commiserate, their perspectives are so different. L suspects that it's because Mello was always destined for self-destruction, to the point where spending too much time around one he can see himself in would result in lashing out that direction, too.]

Do you think the sacrifice was a deliberate one? Did he know that it would help you?

[If so, it's the kind of growth that L has stopped believing in, given the Mello he has come to know as his Bonded. The one whose departure leaves him secretly relieved.]

One of my assistants had contact with him. She spoke to him before it happened and she seemed to think that he did. I told her I didn't believe that was the case.

[Near shakes his head. He hates that he's revealing all this right now, but as many issues as he has with L he's also the only one who'd really appreciate hearing it. And he feels... somewhat guilty. Even if he still doesn't think it would have been a good idea to tell Mello while he was here.]

She was too emotionally invested in him, even if she was able to put her job first. But... maybe she was right. At the very least it took both of us.

[The significance of Near revealing what he has in these moments is not lost on L. Isn't it significant, when they reveal anything at all? This session simultaneously feels like a minefield and like the knot in L's stomach is utterly for nothing, worlds away from Wammy's and Kira and all the people who would unravel their secrets to devour them.

No.. here, they're a scrawny witch who etches runes, and a small, pale Naga with a toy shop. Scarcely more than that.]

You understand the difficulty of choosing, then. It would have been better if you'd both survived, but...

[He knows it can't always be that way. Rarely do things work out so well, rarely do those who work so well together manage to survive alongside each other. It had taken him almost twenty-five years to find someone like that, a balancing force who seemed able to finish his thoughts, and of course that man had destroyed him.]

I don't know how things would have turned out if he'd stayed here.

[Probably poorly. L's predictions weren't optimistic, based on intuition or divination; eventually, Mello would go too far. He'd burn away all that mattered to him and leave a scorched crater behind, furious and dazed, astonished at the way it actually didn't solve his problems. L would probably be killed, along the way; Near might be safe, given his Bond to Mello, but given the blonde's self-destructive streak, who could say?]

I do know that you've carried on without him before, and there's no doubt in my mind that you can do it, again.

[Near had always understood the difficulty in choosing between them, no matter what he though of L. That's why he'd been so willing to work with Mello in the first place. The blond was egotistical and self-destructive, but he had a lot of qualities that Near lacked and that could have been valuable in their investigation. Maybe they still would have clashed too much to work together properly, and maybe it would have been their downfall in the end. He couldn't say. It could be that the way things happened was the only way they could have been successful. But dwelling on that will get them nowhere now.]

Of course I can.

[He'd never doubted that he could do things on his own either. He would have always tackled things with or without Mello's help. Losing him now hurts on an emotional level, one that he isn't used to feeling, but overall it doesn't change anything. The Mello he knew was already dead.

He glares at L for even suggesting that this would be difficult.]

I'll get over the mental and emotional impact soon enough.

[Even with the benefit of a genius IQ, and actual magic to supplement its predictions and conclusions, the uncertainty is the worst part of all of it. The notion of what might have been, rather than what is, and the scattered mess it's left behind for other hands to sweep from the floor like curls and tendrils of wood shavings.

The only things that could truly be considered grounding, in such times, is what can be controlled and relied on, even if evidence for its existence is sparse or dubious.]

Just know that there's no time limit, or score to beat.

[The spirit of competition would have influenced Mello, more... but complacency wasn't what had allowed L or Near to remain peerless. The knowledge that someone was always next in line to take the title was an ever-present reality for anyone who had "won".]

The intense way Mello experienced emotions might stay with you for some time, given your Bond. It's a worthy matter to address, and to be prepared for, in spite of your own strengths' inventory.

[L himself is experiencing it, if perhaps through a darker dimension. Mello's idea of "partnership", after all, was misguided at best, destructive at worst... but such a burden isn't Near's to shoulder, and now, it doesn't ever need to be.

[Given how poorly Near experienced emotions from the start, having to deal with them on Mello's level has been absolutely infuriating. He's fine, for the most part, until he isn't. It's been best, he's found, to set something aside in his mind the moment it starts bothering him, unless it's necessary that he focus on them.

He doesn't want this to last. If it fades completely he'll be grateful. At the same time, he knows it will be necessary for him to get another bond at some point. Unless he bonds with L, which isn't in the cards right now, anyone else he attaches himself to is going to be emotional on some level. He didn't realize how troublesome this would be, and in hindsight he should have.]

Having a better goal would make this easier.

[He could use a score to beat, if only to have something more to work toward. He isn't made for just running a toy shop, and he isn't strong enough to offer much aid on excursions beyond the gates.]

...This was a bad idea. I should have told you not to come.

[He doesn't want a therapist, and he's too open.]

[If Near were to Bond with L, he'd be in for a jarring surprise. The man is far from unemotional, just excellent at hiding what he feels on a deep and vivid level. He's no therapist, because instead of setting things aside in his mind, as Near does, his unwanted emotions have a way of growing into restless monsters that get ample chances to chew on him for awhile in the dark space behind his eyes. He doesn't emerge a victor or their friend; just a little more mangled, believing that he understands a little bit better.]

If you'd said as much, I'd have assessed a higher level of urgency and made it a point to come find you. Rest assured... I never intended to stay long.

[Just long enough, because while defeating the ruins Mello left behind isn't a productive goal, something in this world is, and both of them take comfort in setting a plan, marking its beats, then standing back and letting it come together like a symphony.]

You find this [the toy shop] less fulfilling than you thought you would. Are you bored? Or frustrated that in the grand scheme of things, it just isn't that important?

[The prospect of a long-lasting Bond with Mello would have presented a smorgasbord of possibilities. While there was much they couldn't tackle together in their own world, they could have pushed the limits of their potential, here. Now, a door has closed, and taken those possibilities with it, and a new door must be made. With a chisel, rough-hewn, but passable in the interim. Nothing buries depression like distraction.]

A lot is worth fighting for, here. You're on the Parliamentary council, so you've doubtless come to that conclusion yourself, already.

This was never meant to be fulfilling.

[The look he turns to the walls of his little workshop is one of disdain.]

It was meant to be a cover. A role I was capable of filling until I figured out a greater purpose.

[There were no cases to solve here, certainly none on the level he was used to going after. He couldn't just go around saying he was a detective, making himself an obvious target the moment he arrived. He'd joined the council as a way to learn the ins and outs of this community from the position of someone with some actual input, but he felt nothing toward their endeavors as a whole.

He's not attached enough to this place to want to fight for it. Not the way L is inferring.]

I've failed to find that purpose so far.

[L averts his own eyes, maybe out of respect, perhaps because the topic is equally difficult for him to engage with. They'd taken fairly similar approaches in Aefenglom, after all, adopting a mundane role in society and inhabiting it with varied results that are ultimately acceptable in the short term, but never intended to sustain their intellects forever.]

Don't think of it as failure. You shouldn't, anyway, but it's not as if there's some objective yardstick here to measure yourself by. Your own standards are something to make your own peace with, should you choose to stick with your current approach, or alter it in some way, but... no one is going to call you out for not living up to your potential when merely surviving is, itself, a a challenge.

[He might be speaking of himself, now, just as much as Near. His own visibly poor health is amble reason for him to feel a certain way about the matter.]

In any case, ensuring that you have a Bond with a witch is important. Although you'd prefer for it to be with Mello... someone else will have to do in the meantime, for reasons I'm sure I no longer have to explain.

[Any Monsters here for more than a few months would know, after all, the unique strain having no Bond or an unbalanced one.]

[It feels like a lecture. Specifically it feels like a lecture from someone who shouldn't be giving any. Maybe that's irrational of him. Everything feels irrational right now, and unsettled.

Near shifts every so often as L speaks, noticeably uncomfortable and unable to sit still. He's not twitchy, not really, but there's an irritation beneath his skin that isn't exactly physical. As his former mentor mentions the need for another bond, his red eyes snap to the other man's face and stay there, unblinking the way a snake's eyes are.]

I didn't just arrive. [He'd learned as much as he could about bonds and why they were necessary early on. That L thinks he needs to be reminded is, frankly, insulting.] I'm aware of my dilemma.

[Worsened as it is by how distanced he is from most.]

[L has that way about him, unfortunately. Even what's well-meaning can come across as pedantic and arrogant. He can see that this is not the optimal approach for getting through to Near; what's not so clear is how he could get through in a productive way. Neither of them are good with people, and ironically, it's a very counterproductive thing to have in common.]

I know it's likely that you have a plan.

[What steps are you taking? He bites his tongue on it; it's probably an ill-advised time to try to be a life coach.]

[That's the unfortunate part. Near doesn't have a plan - not yet. Not any more than what he's already built on.

For all that was built up between them, Mello was still someone familiar - someone he was comfortable with on some level. Everyone else here was a stranger, a creature of power beyond his own in a world where his skill set meant very little. He knew he would need another bond aside from his first, but he had expected to have more time to work on that aside from the brief stint he and the blond had spent connected. After all, the other two men from his world had been here months prior to his arrival.

And he'd gotten little from his bond with Mello aside from anxiety and constant hunger.]

It is being revised.

[He has nothing. Just a toy store he doesn't care about and a couple employees he barely interacts with. He's quiet on the council as he has few resources and skills to offer for the items that have been brought up to date.

Now he has to study individuals closely and hope to find someone who'll work out for him. Asking L isn't even an option. Doing that felt far too much like losing, though what he'd be losing at he's not even sure.]

That's good. It's important, to be able to adapt in such situations.

[He tries to sound encouraging. Praising might be a stretch, because it's growing clearer that adaptation might not be Near's strong suit. Aefenglom chose to make him a cold-blooded snake; probably appropriate.]

I trust that you have it in hand. But should you find that you desire a more efficient approach, I might be able to recommend some names. Leads, at the very least.

[I don't want to bond with anyone connected with you, is what Near wants to say, but he holds it in. He's been childish enough since the other man walked in the door. Continuing on that line of thought will only cause him to embarrass himself further.]

I appreciate the consideration. [Is what he says instead, though the fact that it's said through gritted teeth isn't helping to improve the way he comes off.]

How many do you have? [Bonds, he means.]

[One doesn't live to 26 and not develop at least an inkling of when someone dislikes him. When it goes bone-deep, practically based on principle, it's almost atmospheric... but Near is a part of what he and Watari built, and with that comes some measure of responsibility. Here in Aefenglom, where so many of their ilk would be out of their element to the point of spectacular ruin, it's even more difficult to ignore. For all that L has been willing to clean up messes before, he would really rather not have a repeat of the Beyond Birthday situation... and he already came too close to failing, with Mello.

He has another shot, and the lighter his touch, the better things will go. He's sure of that, now, but he can still be forthcoming, when Near is willing to budge a bit.]

Of course.

[He replies with a nod, as though it really goes without saying that the help is available.]

I've had three, but one departed at the beginning of the year. Mello's gone, as you know, so... one remains. A faun named Myr.

[For any who have met Myr, the match might seem a strange one. Even for those who haven't, L doesn't say the name like it's a simple business arrangement, or there for safety or convenience.]

[Near has met Myr. Once. Their interaction was brief, so he only got a vague idea of what the faun was like. He doesn't know how the two of them would work out as a bond, but then there are strange circumstances that bring some people together. Most people wouldn't have considered Mello a good candidate to bond with either of them, yet here they are.

But the fact that L had found two others to bond with aside from their mutual acquaintance stings. Near had never been particularly good at actually making friends with people. Other individuals existed to be used, studied, or ignored. Friendship was a difficult concept. It left one open and vulnerable. He lacked the balance necessary to maintain relationships while focusing on his work.

And attachments led to instances like this. He doesn't know how Mello could stand feeling all the time.]

Is it worth it? Do they actually help you?

[L considers the question carefully, giving it fair time and thought before he attempts to answer. It would be a simple question, for some; for the two of them, similar souls at different points in a comparable journey? It's as complex as it would have to be, considering where they're coming from, the places they might by trying to go while fighting what that could mean.]

On a very technical and basic level... yes, they do help you. Whether it's worth it would depend on how much you feel it's the case. If you're on the verge of madness as a Witch, or going feral as a monster, I'd say it's worth it, but those are extreme circumstances pushed to a desperate limit. I feel you're wondering about the benefits of a Bond on a more constant and mundane level.

[That's the space they're occupying now, after all. Two young men, in a workshop for toys with wood shavings scattered around their feet, mourning someone they both knew in a very roundabout and detached way.]

My first Bond approached me. It was a machine, very literally... a supercomputer consumed in pill form where it came from. Here, it was a Witch and had a human body, and our arrangement was mutually beneficial for awhile. We lived together, worked in the same place.

[Slept together, though Near probably doesn't need to hear those details.]

It existed to help a user achieve their goals, so the arrangement really seemed ideal. I was driven and motivated for a time, and it was enforced.

[Much like having a handler.]

Mello was another Witch, and that alone probably should have precluded a Bond between us. I should have said no.

[He did say no. Many times, to many things, but Mello had persisted and pressed and worn him down until it set something of a precedent. That, too, doesn't need to be heard by Near, even if it's likely that much of it can likely be concluded by Near just based on L's tone, the look in his eyes, the way his posture curls and closes.]

Myr came to me shortly after that point. I was mad, or close to it. My feet didn't even touch the ground every other step; the stars felt close.

[And he still remembers what that was like, to be so tempted and dazzled by the prospect of oblivion. He shivers, pulling his jacket a little tighter around his thin shoulders.]

Of all my Bonds, I think... Myr has helped the most, and Myr has been the most worth it. He saw something beyond what I was before coming here, or what I could do for him, and he believes that I can be better than I am.

[In a way that has nothing to do with test scores or cases solved, but everything to do with simple humanity. L doesn't look directly at Near, because maybe his successor would find that notion hilarious. But Myr doesn't, after everything, and so.]

If you find someone who wants that for you... try to Bond, and try not to prove them wrong even if you really want to. Being right isn't always winning, here.

[A witch/witch bond isn't a particularly safe option. Near knows this is at least partially the reason Mello acquiesced to bond with him, but he hadn't thought on it much more than that since it worked in his favor.

As L talks, the naga runs a scaled hand through his hair. It stops, gripping lightly at the roots. It does little to comfort him, but he leaves it there for now. His former mentor speaks of these things with too much ease. It makes him feel like a child again, except that back then L's lectures came by way of an empty screen and a modified voice.

And it never would have directed this much actual concern at him.]

And every time it will change you.

[Even if he believes that right now this is only temporary, there is always going to be some lasting debris left over from his bond with Mello. These people L has opened himself up to have altered him irrevocably, to the point where Near doesn't believe he ever had the opportunity to meet the man he was supposed to be following in the footsteps of all those years.

Maybe he should feel relief at that. Maybe he should be considering this person to be someone else entirely.

It will make the ridiculous things he's saying easier to take.]

You got lucky. Don't be idealistic. Thinking that anyone would want that for me is giving me too much credit.

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